I’m freaking out,here

really and truly shitting myself.

Its only 3 weeks and 2 days until my ALIF operation on my back  (video here). Of course the inevitable has happened. It’s started to feel better. I spent my Pilates class yesterday, contorted in positions, I haven’t been able to do in a year and a half. I’m walking freer,and leaving my stick at home.

Friends have said its psychosomatic. Others, have said it’s a good thing as, I will be in a relaxed state for the op. And I have even toyed with the idea that the bloody magazine stylists healing, may have worked.

Why, did it have to happen now. I’ve waited months for something to be done. Months of pain and discomfort. And now it decides to bloody improve, making me scared of the months of pain I will now go through after the operation.

I spoke to the hospital today, and they said I could always postpone the operation. But I am all packed and everyone knows I am going in. The freezer is packed with meals and homemade cakes. Lots of my old friends have suddenly asked to met me for coffee and lunch. Its like they are all saying goodbye to me. All very weird.

These pictures are from this week alone!!!

I’m freaking out, whether the operation is now the right thing to do. (even though I actually had a bad night and am sat in pain at this mo.) Of course I have been doing that inevitable thing all us internet surfers do. I have been surfing in shark infested waters. Somehow, I always end up on the ALIF back operation forum. I get hooked into the woes of fellow ALIF post op stories. Its freaking me out reading about all the pain and immobility they all suffer from. Some for well over a year after the operation.

I kept reading about the frustration of the BLT on the forum. It took me hours to work out what it meant. Then I realised what it stood for. I am not allowed to Bend, Lift or Twist for months post operative. How the hell do you not do that. You are not allowed to bend as you sit down on the toilet, no bending over the sink when you brush your teeth. And you try getting dressed without bending or twisting or even getting out of bed for that matter.

Poor Teddy won’t be able to be walked by me. How would I pick up one of his little messages. All of these things I have struggled with over the last 18 months. But I don’t want to go back to the time of hovering over the toilet or stuck in a chair or bed. I hated it.

The stomach problems from the abdomen surgery involved, seem to be a major thing post op on the forum. I have problems now from all the past medication, so I don’t want to add even more to the mix.

Add to the fact hubby told me yesterday, the insurance company have already paid out their contribution for the operation to the consultant and anaesthetist. We just have to pay our bit now.

AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………………..

PS…Whilst writing this. I thought Teddy was with hubby.

Hubby thought he was with me, but in fact he was tucking into a packet of chocolate digestives packed in my hospital bag.

He ate a whole bloody packet !!!